Saturday morning conversation…

down another 2 lbs from yesterday! This makes me very happy.  I like to see the progress I am making. The effort is worth it when I can see progress.

“You make progress when you don’t immediately see the results of the effort you know.. that’s the stuff faith is made of.  Just sayin'”

“You’re right of course Lord, its just easier when the progress is evident to me.”

“Just because you don’t see progress in other areas of your life doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.  Remember when you worked at Red Lobster and they assigned that new district manager to your area?  The one you didn’t like?”

“Yes, I felt like I couldn’t do anything right where that guy was concerned.  I remember being reassigned to Roger’s store on the east side.  Roger was a great GM and did a fabulous job.  That guy came in one day when we had a store room torn apart cleaning and reorganizing it.  He gave us all a hard time about the disorganization even though he knew the purpose. He even called me out personally at the next manager’s meeting in front of the group “Houske, it seems messes follow you where ever you go.”  That was fun.”

“You do remember.  Progress was being made on many levels in your life back then. You and Patty got back together, her Dad was about to have a stroke and when he did you moved so you could care for him. ”

“It was a hard time Lord.  I remember.”

“Life wasn’t perfect but you did what was needed.  You were faithful to Patty, her step dad, her brother, your own children… It was because you had learned how to maneuver difficult times and you didn’t complain.  You didn’t blame Me.  You just did what was needed at the time.”

“I don’t think about that much these days.”

“Remembering the struggles isn’t a bad thing.  I walked with you through it all.  I didn’t leave you and more importantly you didn’t give up.  Life wasn’t perfect but it led you to Sandusky where you spent the next 20 years.”

“You know that’s the longest I ever stayed in one place…”

“I know.  I also know you poured into Patty and for many years her dad.  You were there when her brother died, and when your Mom and Dad moved to Ohio to be closer to you and the grand kids.  You were there to pour into your own children even though you and Melonie weren’t together and what amazing women they are today. You were there to pour into your nephew when he needed stability and love and without question you were there. You were there for your mom when your dad died.  That’s when I brought Bill and Christine into your lives.  There were many more people who were touched by who you are and who you are in Me.”

“But Lord, I’ve made so many mistakes along the way…”

“You did, and I’ve forgiven you for all of them… When are you going to forgive yourself?”

“I don’t know Lord.  I don’t know why I dwell on those things.  Maybe because there have been so many… You never left me though and for that I am grateful – When I fell asleep at the wheel and wrecked the car so soon after my sister’s untimely death.. You were there.

You were there when, after Patty and I had broken up before we were married, I snorted so much cocaine I thought my heart was gong to explode in my chest.. You were there.

You were there when I waked away from my new job in Sandusky when they wanted to move again after only 6 months, not wanting to move Patty and her Dad for a third time in 2 years.  You provided my next job, and the one after that..and the one after that…  All those years in Sandusky were a blur because there was always so much happening, one thing after another.  You were there when we found found mom dead on the floor of her apartment, in a pool of her own blood.  That was really hard.  I didn’t necessarily see You moving and yet here I am today.  I have a great job, a beautiful home, a wife who has stuck with me for nearly 30 years and amazing kids and grand kids and some really good friends.”

“And they will continue to stay by your side.”

“I can only hope.”

“So back to the original question.  When are you going to forgive yourself?  Those days are gone.  You can’t change what happened back then. You don’t know what tomorrow will bring. All you have is today.  And its not a consolation prize – Its a gift!  You get to live today!  You get to continue to grow and develop into the woman I want you to be.  The person I intend you to be.”

“How?  How do I do that? How do I let that stuff go?  The older I get the more difficult it feels.”

“Do you trust me?

“I want to Lord!  I really want to! –

There’s so much I don’t understand
So much I can’t explain.”

“Do you trust me?
Why do need to understand what you cannot see?
What happened to Israel when they left Egypt and didn’t trust me? ”

“They wandered for 40 years in the desert.”

“Haven’t you been wandering long enough?
Isn’t it time to let go?”

“I don’t even know what I’m hanging to so tightly. The pain? The security in believing my mistakes make me who I am – my identity?”

“I think you know.  You are still believing the lies.
The adversary can’t hold on to you because you belong to Me!  He will continue to lie to you, continue to try to trick you, but the battle is already won and he loses!  He knows that.  And in his desperation he wants to destroy as many as he can.  He’s not getting you!  I love you and I’m protecting you like I have throughout your life.  I have touched many people’s lives through you and will touch many more in the days and years to come. ”

“I want to believe that Jesus!  I want to believe that…You know I’ve not been much of a planner yet I struggle to have a life in order.  Things feel disrupted right now and yet through that we are spending more time together.”

“Exactly!  Again, your agenda is disrupted and because we are spending more time together you are growing into the person I want you to be.  I’m here.  I’ve always been here.  Through it all, the good, the bad – every moment of every day. – I am here because I am. ”

“Jesus, there have been times when I felt like I am leaning into You with my head on your bosom… this is one of them… Your arms are around me in one of the most intimate embraces imaginable.
I don’t ever want to leave…”

“You don’t have to.”

“I love you Lord.”

“I know – I love you too”

 

early morning conversation with God…

“Good Morning!  Its not a heat wave but its about 15 degrees warmer today than it was yesterday at this time.  We’re likely to get some rain this afternoon.  The ground is  a little dry so that won’t hurt.”

“Jesus, forgive me for my impatience.  Help me overcome the foreshadowing of emotional responses and get my act together! ”

“Help me to learn whatever lesson I’m supposed to in this struggle.  I can’t rely on the past to carry me forward.  The things I did to get here will not be the same I need to move forward. Those things will change and evolve as life changes and evolves. ”

“But I haven’t changed” said the Lord. “I am the same – yesterday-today and forever.”

“I know Lord, but I’m not the same.”

“Marisa you are the same precious creation I had in mind when I formed you in your mother’s womb..  Circumstances may be difficult, know I haven’t moved.  I’m still here and I’m still the God of all creation.  You can’t see over the horizon  – its still dark – but I promise you the journey of this life will be worth the reward.”

“Jesus, what do I do about my marriage?  Mary is not having any of this and the options I see are limited and painful.”

“Your marriage will stay in tact.  Trust me with this.”

“Jesus, I want to believe!  I really do… its so hard”

“I know and your faithfulness will see you through with the help of my people.  Remember, I’m right here.”

“We haven’t talked like this in a while.”

“We’ve never talked like this – but we are now.  There is a time for everything and you had to be ready..  I will warn you, don’t expect to take this over like you have in the past.  Keep trusting, remain faithful and let’s keep talking.  I will see you through this. I promise.

It may not turn out the way you expect.

It will turn out the way I intended. It’s all going to be okay.”

“Jesus, you know what I need…”

“I do”

“I give it all to you Lord!  I know I can’t do this on my own.  Lately just putting one foot in front of another is a struggle.  I’m excited about the future.  I’m looking forward to what you bring me through.”

“Peace I give to you this day. Rest in me…”

“I will!  Thank you Jesus!”

forgiveness…

have you ever been attacked, wronged or in some way maligned?

we probably all have right?  How did you respond?  something happened recently where I was called out and because I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer (pardon the cooing metaphor) it took me a couple days to figure out what was going on.  Someone I know – threw me under the bus.  Regrettably my first thought was “I’m not enough”  I have no business in the role I’m in and now everyone else is going to know something I’ve known all along – I’m an impostor!

Then I felt a surge of anger and the desire to seek revenge and retaliation.  Just what a follower of Jesus should be thinking eh?   I sat with that for a minute. maybe more than a minute…

in Luke chapter 17 Jesus is talking… I can tell because the lettering is in red…

Forgiveness and Faith…

“There will always be temptations to sin, but what sorrow awaits the person who does the tempting! 2 It would be better to be thrown into the sea with a millstone hung around your neck than to cause one of these little ones to fall into sin. 3 So watch yourselves!

That’s a pretty direct warning.  I hear Jesus telling me I’m always going to be tempted to sin but I better not use my influence to cause others to sin.  Guess my example means more than my words…

Here’s where it gets interesting…

“If another believer sins, rebuke that person; then if there is repentance, forgive.” 

oh crap – a double edge sword.  If I wronged the person who attached me then I need to make amends. I need to repent and apologize.  If I do that he should forgive me. 

If it was I who was wronged, my responsibility is to call him out and forgive him.  um.. this sounds horribly confrontational and messy.   I guess that’s why HR departments put meetings on our calendars with nebulous descriptions like “discuss open topic”.

Here’s the really tough part…

“4 Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.”

In the real world, names start flying, dehumanizing slurs abound and the chasm gets wider with each blow.

Jesus, help me to be the person you want me to be…

Kelly

Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.

there are those times when we all face life altering decisions…

where we feel like the world is crashing in around us and although we know the way to go, just don’t have the courage or the strength, to take one more step, fight one more battle, suffer one more set back…

you know the feeling right?  For me it manifests itself by drinking one more glass of wine than I need (or two), eating too much junk food (Reese’s peanut butter eggs these days) and binge watching crappy Netflix shows.. so I don’t have to think about it.

it doesn’t make me happier.

it doesn’t take away the pain.

it doesn’t make the inevitable any easier.

I have so much to be grateful for.

my wife of nearly 30 years

amazing children and grandchildren

a beautiful home

a great job

friends from around the world

so why am i feeling so lost and alone?

I want to love well

I want to be loved

I want to be strong for those who have no strength left

I want to dance a joyful dance and play music that shares the love in my heart for everyone I come in contact with…

but I have no idea how to do any of it

can’t sleep

crazy dreams

back in the Navy – trying to get to San Diego, late to leave for the airport but then remembered I hadn’t even purchased my ticket yet. Woke up in a panic…

Never went to San Diego when I was in the Navy.  Went to Meridian, MS for school and Cleveland, OH.  Go figure.  Join the Navy to see the world and end up in Cleveland, OH!

Wondering how Lincoln is doing… No news is good news …

right?

The debate about the popular vote vs. electoral college voting is still raging on twitter. Democrats seem to be most engaged.  Reminds me I need to change my party affiliation on my voter registration.  While trying to figure out how to do that I found the precinct map and was finally able to determine I’m in Precinct 04-2.  The map on the county web site is very difficult to read.  We could do a better job of education on the Election Commission web site.

Been feeling overwhelmed lately.  So much so that I deleted all the social media apps off my iPhone, including Fitbit…  Some groups were consuming way too much of my time.  Amazing encouragement however they were also encouraging me to waste time….

I could blame it on @gretchenrubin and her books Outer Order, Inner Calm and Better Than Before, which I tremendously enjoyed and finished recently, but really – it was a good move.  I can still access these sites from my web browser but have to be more intentional about getting there and there are no notifications popping up on my phone, which is of the most benefit.

I’ve also been unsubscribing from needless email.  Yes  I’m one of “those” people who have to clear their email box constantly throughout the day.  Too many years in Customer facing businesses and positions…

 

NO on anti-LGBTQ bills in Senate Judiciary Committee

 

House committee votes were held recently and it didn’t go so well for our POV.. Next week that same legislation begins to make their rounds in the state Senate.

Not looking good for equal rights in Tennessee.  This is one area where even though big companies support diversity, the state is lagging.  Not enough people are paying attention.  The consequences wont be pretty.

Please, vote NO on SB1297 and SB1304 when they come before the Judiciary Committee on Tuesday.  More than 120 members of the clergy in Tennessee oppose both bills.

SB1297 is unnecessary because Tennessee already has an indecent exposure law.  As currently written, this bill puts transgender people at risk of arrest for going to the gym or the restroom.  And because this bill poses such a danger to transgender people it is drawing the kind of attention to Tennessee that will result in North Carolina-style boycotts, hurting tourism, events, and business development.  Picking on people through our laws is wrong and risking Tennessee’s prosperity is unwise.

SB1304 is also wrong for Tennessee because child placement policies should be based on the best interests of children and matching them with loving homes.

I am concerned about the stories coming out of South Carolina where Jewish and Catholic prospective parents have been turned away from private agencies.  That accomplishes nothing but children waiting longer to be adopted because the very people who would like to give them a home face yet another barrier.

Another issue that bothers me is the misinformation in the debate.  While the House sponsor has said that this bill is designed to prevent private agencies from going out of business because of litigation, that is not actually happening. This bill is more likely to trigger lawsuits against the state for discrimination.

Thank you for considering my views.

Common sense when common sense isn’t so common.

The sun will be coming up in a few short hours…

Hope you are resting well Lincoln…

Gramma Kelly

 

 

daring greatly…

I had a bad experience with someone recently.  They were empathic and shared a sincere desire to fix the issues they recognized where a problem.  After a conference call with a small part of the team they told me what they wanted to do and promised to follow up with me.

Here is the follow up in part…

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your willingness to share your experiences with our team and I.  It really is a gift to us, our team, and the program.  I wish you hadn’t had the experience you did, but I am just so grateful that you have given us an opportunity to learn from it.  Our *only* hope of succeeding is to continue to improve what we are doing, and that includes taking feedback to heart as we strive to improve as individuals and as a team.

Thanks again,

As a Client Experience professional I was blown away.  They nailed it!  This is exactly how we all want to be treated and how I want to treat people.  This team is sincere and serious about their calling.

my reply…

In the 90’s I ran an internet start up.  Everything was new.  The technology, the uses, the shear magnitude of possibilities was astounding!  Some of our clients where physicians offices, just beginning to incorporate internet technologies into their practices.

One practice in particular had a poor experience with the local bell company and they  called me.  We were able to resolve their issues because we listened, thought through the issues and, quite frankly, got lucky… The primary doc commented he just could not understand how the telecom couldn’t get it to work and we did.  My response?   “Well doc, all this is pretty new.  It’s not an exact science – like medicine “.  (Pun intended)

You and your staff care.  I guess in the end that’s the point.

You and the team are very gracious and I am thrilled to know each of you.  I have every confidence this program will be wildly successful!

You’ve likely heard this Theodore Roosevelt quote-

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.  The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”

Their humility, grace and willingness to grow make this team one of the best I’ve encountered in my entire life!

They have earned my love, support and respect…

Kelly

its nice to meet you Lincoln Joseph…

Oh precious little one! Our first grandson…

You’ve got us a little worried but we’re prayin’ everything will be fine.

God Almighty – Breath Your breath of life into this little child and make him strong.

I wish I was there to hold you this morning… to sit with you and watch over you.  I know you will be fine and when I get to see you in person next month, we will make up for lost time.  in the mean time, your Mom and Dad are there, and your big sister will fill your life with love and support.  You have lots of people around you, cheering you on.

You will never be alone. You’ve got the best Mom and Dad anyone could ever hope for.

Sleep little one.  Rest and know the best is yet to come.

I love you,

Gramma Kelly

 

big, hairy, audacious goals…

this life is not friendly to those who are risk adverse…

there is too much going on, too much opportunity.

What was that term I heard recently? Oh yeah. Impostor syndrome. My team is pretty amazing.  We have been doing some outside the box things that have been fun, inspiring and somewhat daring. We are about to venture into even deeper waters. 

There are no deep, dark trade secrets involved… Its purely strategy and process driven.  How do we provide the best care for our clients?  It would be easy to recount story after story of Customer experience misses, whether they be our team or company, or the experiences each of us have everyday.

My bank is a great example.  Simple name change. not too complex. or you wouldn’t think.  Brought my documentation into the branch.  Simple enough.  Everything was in order.  We have a retirement account, 2 checking accounts and a savings account.

Perfect!

Name doesn’t get changed on 2 accounts.  replacement check order is messed up, not once but twice, and it takes over a year to find all the marketing connections to make sure marketing pieces aren’t sent to someone who doesn’t exist.  Funny though, 3 months ago I found one of the accounts still had an old address attached it so mail had been going to an address we haven’t lived at for years. 

In the age of big data you would think there would more effort on data integrity and  accuracy.

My bank isn’t the only one.  We, as the public, are bombarded with marketing material.  Everyone has something to sell us.  In the US at least, the volume of junk mail is astounding.  I am convinced the post office would go bankrupt if not for junk mail and Amazon.

Most people I know do not keep home telephones because their mobile covers their needs and besides the only calls to home are telemarketers, scam artists, or a random relative you haven’t heard from in years. 

Of course, the cable and telecoms  haven’t figured it out yet.  They keep bundling land line phone service with data the entertainment plans to get you the best discount but its free because the capacity far exceeds the demand. The wire line infrastructure was expensive to build and continues to be expensive to maintain. They all need to pump as many services as possible to each customer to keep it all afloat.

Think about how much mail you receive, especially if you’ve moved in the last 5 years, addressed to the two previous occupants of your home.  Now the really lazy companies are addressing mail to Mr. Jones, or CURRENT RESIDENT.  Are you kidding me?  Those don’t even make in the house.  Could be more. Companies have names on their mailing list and blindly mail to them because they are playing a numbers game  Our email inboxes are filled with junk mail and although its illegal in many places, SPAM is out of control. 

My, how i digress.

Summers are busy for us.  More people on the road.  More vehicle related issues. more contacts from clients.  We are going to do our absolute best to assist each and every client with one point of contact.  It will be a process for sure but our goal is to make it as easy as possible to resolve each and every concern a client has without having to pass the client off to another person in the organization.  

We’ve been doing a pilot in one market and the results, although not stellar, have proved the concept.  Work flow has been streamlined so our staff isn’t overwhelmed and our clients do receive better care.  This BEHAG will be important to the company, our team and each of the clients we touch.

Wish us luck!

Kelly 

 

 

 

 

rise and shine…

the darkness was palpable

She could feel it like a smothering presence across her entire being.  Blackness – the absence of light; no moon, no stars, no air moving… not a sound to reconcile where she was or how long she had been here.  And then the tears came… the wretched feeling of loss and yet nothing had really changed at all.  As long as Marissa had been married to her, she never thought it would come to this.  None of us can take relationships for granted but somehow Marissa had done precisely that, again… and according to Mary, the line had been crossed.  Was life even worth living without her?  30 years is a really long time and let’s face it, neither of them have a lot of time left.

Sadly, Marissa is too much of a coward to do anything more than keep moving forward, although, some have called her courageous.  That made her laugh. I heard recently that we, as the public, are so clearly deceived.  Our view of someone is wrought with our own projection of who that person is, even though we don’t know them.  We project who they are based on our own life experiences and what we want to believe about them, good or bad.

Marissa doesn’t feel courageous.   She could never see it.  And now, in the darkness, it felt lonely, like everything was lost. Darkness brings the absence of hope but this is morning right?  You know, morning?

Sunrise?

New mercies?

A fresh start?

Not this morning.  There is so much to process and so little time before she has to make her way to work.  Can she even survive the day?   “How can I shut out the noise?” she thought. “All the distractions are deafening”.  Marisa couldn’t think about that now, with her heart filled with overwhelming sorrow. The uncontrollably sobbing and pain consumed her.

What’s really important?  Marissa has great kids, a bunch of grand-kids, a supportive wife, a great job, a comfortable home, and more than a few people who, at first blush, think the world of her…but right at this moment, life feels like its crashing in around her.

Running away had been a favorite “go to” back in the day.  In high school she left the state and stayed with Gary until that crafty English teacher tracked her down.  Go figure…an English teacher who was passionate about helping “her” kids in trouble.  Mrs. B knew Marissa was in trouble and did her best to help her reconcile with her family.  She didn’t know all the secrets locked away but had a sense this child was worth saving.  45 years later the jury is still out on that one…

What a mess that all was.  Moving from Gary’s apartment in Lowell to an aunt and uncles in New Hampshire, closer to school.  Then from there to a friends house, at least in the same town.  It was long road to get back home but it never was home after that. It was a place she had to be until she could get out on her own.

Running away became a signature response.  She ran from her first marriage.  She ran from the trouble in Cleveland although going back to New Hampshire at that point in her life may have felt like the only option, it really wasn’t and within a few short months she was back in Cleveland.  Why did other people see value in her she couldn’t see in herself?  Her boss and her girl friend in Cleveland never gave up.  They kept calling, kept encouraging until, after a long walk on Rye Beach she decided being here wasn’t doing her any good and she needed to go back and face what she left in Ohio.

Joining the Navy in 1975, right out of high school, was no more than an escape from home.  I’m sure there are many young people who join the military with grand intentions of serving their country and fighting for liberty, or at least their convoluted notion of liberty..  Vietnam wasn’t even a consideration, though, by the time she enlisted, it was over.  Everyone was home or on their way.

Having a father who spent 22 years in the Army and served in 3 wars had an impact on life in the family.  Terms like PTSD weren’t a thing in 1975, but the rage and anger displayed on a nearly daily basis had the same impact on each of them.   Fight or flight has deep meaning to her and since she couldn’t fight, flight was the best choice. the only choice and so Marissa did.  She ran.  A total of three times in high school and as soon as it was over, enlisted in the Navy to get the hell out of town… and away from the craziness.  The trouble is the baggage always comes with us.  She didn’t understand that at the time

Why had she never learned how to cope with these feelings?  Learned how to make better choices?  In those days it was legal to drink at 18 and although Marissa didn’t really care for the taste of alcohol, found herself drinking more and more.  A nice Cabernet makes her day today, especially after  a long day at work, but its morning now.  The day is just beginning and going to work with a buzz would be a very bad choice.

Its crazy isn’t it?  Even in the midst of pain, a rational thought pops into her head.  Always trying to be the good girl….

Mary feels betrayed.  She’s tried to be supportive and has been for the most part, but there’s a limit to where she’ll go with this relationship.  She thinks Marissa’s choices are morally wrong and says over and over she will never change her mind.  The most devastating comment was when she said she thought what Marissa wanted to do was against what God intended.  That one statement cut the deepest.  Mary has been through a lot.  No question.  They both have.  But they’ve come through it together.  Why is this any different? But it is.

Being raised in a strict home and an even stricter christian denomination didn’t leave much room for fun.  It felt like they were in church every time the doors were open, which was better than being home. No smoking, drinking, dancing, even though her parents smoked, drank and went to parties occasionally.  The mixed messages were loud and the double standard was like the elephant in the room no one talked about and acted as if it wasn’t there.  She started smoking at 13 or 14 – stealing cigarettes by the pack from her parents..   Since they went to the PX once a month when Dad’s Army retirement check came, Mom and Dad bought 4 or 5 cartons of Pall Malls at a time.  It was easy to snag a pack and no one was the wiser or so she thought.  Mom commented one day, years later, she thought it odd they were going through so many cigarettes.  She knew as only a Mom could.

Lying came easy too.  Much easier to lye and fabricate than deal with the truth and the risk of punishment or an ungodly outburst from Dad.

Lots and lots of baggage…

Her fist instinct was to take another day.  She had stayed home yesterday after their visit to the counselor. Marissa was tired and decided she needed rest more than try to go to the office so she did.  She tried to read for a bit but couldn’t concentrate and her eyes were heavy with fatigue.  Nothing new there.  Everyday felt like that.

Staying home again today wouldn’t change anything though, so she forced herself out of her chair and started the routine to get ready for work.  The darkness was still there.  The heaviness of the morning still loomed, but she was moving now.

Pastor Steve from Elevation Church preached a message about invisible prisons not long ago and listening to that message as she went about her routine, her spirits lifted, enough to get out the door.

…to be continued

raw emotion

I cried a lot yesterday…

Thinking about my sister and how much I miss her…  She was only 27 when she died as the result of a car accident.  She was on her way home from work, on Mother’s day 1987.  Her 4 year old son was with a sitter and she and her husband were separated, on the verge of divorce.  It was a dark time for that family… that totally disintegrated that day.

Mel and I had sold the B&B in New Hampshire and moved back to Ohio.  I hadn’t talked to DL for a while and then she called me one day, out of the blue.  With both of us moving and having hectic work schedules it was hard to keep up.  but that day we connected.  She told me Mom and Dad thought she and Marvin had divorced.  My little sister, a single Mom was struggling to keep everything together.   my heart was breaking for her.

We had a great conversation though and promised each other to stay in touch. and a few short weeks later Mom called me to tell me DL had been in a car accident on her way home from work.  It seems many of the women in my family die around Mother’s Day.  It was a mess.  Mom and Dad were dealing with their own version of hell.  They assumed since Marvin and DL were divorced they would get custody of Matthew.  Marvin, as I understand it, hadn’t been paying child support.

not so fast buster…. Dad and Marvin both had reason to dislike each other. Once DL passed the feud grew to gigantic proportion and Matthew was never allowed to be a part of our family.

I jumped in the car and headed to Florida for the funeral.  Mom and Dad were in Bradenton and my brother , John, was living in FL too at the time.  While there, the engine of my car blew up…overheated.  Could anything else possibly go wrong?

I was processing all of this yesterday when some “friends” reached out to Patty and invited us to join them for dinner after they got out of church. We had been in a small group with them and done life together before my transition.   Other than running into them at the store from time to time, hadn’t had a lot of contact. He had been dealing with cancer and we were getting regular updates but that was pretty much it.

Patty told me when this woman asked us to join them, they made it clear to her they didn’t agree with my choice and would think of me as a man instead of the woman I am today?  UMMM, its been almost 2 years…. What does that even mean?  According to this well meaning friend, their faith doesn’t allow them to believe in what I’m doing but they still want to have relationship with us.  I was not feeling it.  What kind of crap was this?

I asked Patty and she of course had no idea.  So we called and talked to her and this kind women went on the explain that they had friends who are gay and lesbian and they understand this couple doesn’t agree with their lifestyle but they are still friends anyway.

I think I know their hearts… or I felt like I did at some point…but this?   We agreed to go and after getting my nails done and running another errand I decided to take the dogs for a walk.

what on earth will come of this?  They will accept using my name because Kelly is a man’s name too… how gracious of you!  “It’s a long road from tolerance to acceptance” kept ringing in my mind.   I’m not in the headspace to deal with this today.   Part of me wants to have a biblical conversation and point out the places we may disagree on what the scripture states and doesn’t state.  Part of me wanted to jump in and teach them human relations 101.  not happening today…. I don’t have the capacity and the potential for it to turn ugly was pretty high.

I sent her a text –

Thanks for reaching out.  The comment about thinking of me as a man has been on my heart since we spoke.  I think it best if we don’t meet if you can’t respect my choice and pronouns she/her/hers.  It will be uncomfortable for the both of us and honestly, if you aren’t willing to walk with me through this, not worth the pain.

She responded – Ok

The story I’m telling myself is they reached out because another mutual friend has been getting together with Patty and I and we enjoy each other’s company.  This couple used to be part of that but because of their own issues have stayed away. I give them credit for reaching out but I am not about to enter into a conditional relationship with you if it means you expect to dishonor me with every interaction.  You don’t have to agree with me, nor I you,  to be respectful.  The story I tell myself may not be true but until there is evidence to the contrary -I’m sticking with it.

Kelly